Exploring. Finding. Creating. Pushing.
Only words I can truly use to describe my current state of being.
I am relentlessly exploring. Whether that is my mind, and myself, my true hopes and desires, my sexuality, and the like.
I am finding my circle. I am finding out who people are underneath the surface. Asking the questions that lead to the deep soul that lives within them.
Creating all that I can. Because I can. Because I am grateful for the creativity that flows from me, in whatever way it manifests itself. Creating myself, my life organically, unapologetically, without fear of embarrassment.
Pushing. This one is hard for me; on all levels. I am pushing myself to not back away from challenges, even when they suck all life out of me. Even though they are hard. Even though they test me. I will not run away, instead I push forward.
My greatest challenge is my current one.
I am exploring the idea of who I am within the present moment.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
It challenges everything in which I have been conditioned to believe and take on as my own thoughts.
My Christian upbringing has pressed upon me morals and beliefs in which I have in return taken as my own. This isn`t necessarily a bad thing. I do very much believe in God, His Son Jesus, and all in which He endured on the cross for me. That holds true every single day for me. I am encouraged daily to live my life in thanks to Him for what He has done for me. Beyond all of these things, this doesn’t mean I should live my life in a box…nor should I shut out my desire to fully explore who I am.
As Christians, we face a hard position of how and when to draw boundary lines. This includes all aspects of our lives. We can easily slip into a trance of continually feeling “guilty” for making decisions that put us first. We are taught to be selfless for He is selfless, which is fully true. I believe that is something that holds high value within anything you do, especially in relationships. But a constant state of guilt for caring for your well being is not a desirable combo. For a great deal of time, this was what I felt and followed. Known as the “great struggle for Christ” is what I would tell myself. “If I feel this emptied and drained, I must be giving my all for Him.” Sadly, although I was giving with the best intentions, I was not doing so with a full heart. I was doing but without actually being. I was doing all the “Christian things” without the human being behind it all. I didn’t give myself permission to be who God intended me to be; instead I kept my life within the restriction of labels and social constructs that others along with myself had placed on me.
After a while, that responsibility no longer becomes one that is desirable. Often times, walking away feels the most right.
So I walked away.
I stopped attending church unless I felt the desire to go.
I stopped reading my Bible unless there was something specific I was looking for.
What I did not stop was talking with God daily. Prayer was my lifeline.
I started asking deep questions.
I started writing more consistently.
I began putting my thoughts, emotions, struggles, and longings on paper. To see them visually helped with my ability to understand them better, to manifest them and put into action whatever it was that needed to move forward.
I chose many things during this time. Neither good nor bad, all choices that felt right within that present moment. Some had desirable and others had not so desirable outcomes. All were moments of learning, unlearning, realizations and teachable moments. Developing me, molding and constructing me for the next chapter.
I haven’t lost time. I`ve created it. Within those moments of learning, I created myself into something that can now be used in a different way, for a different time, with different people. New experiences can now be enjoyed. I am not shameful or embarrassed for taking time away from the “Christian things.” I have instead developed my own way of expressing my love for this one thing. And it comes organically, easily, without burden.
I am exploring who I am. I am finding my circle of friends where love, trust, communication can freely flow from. I am creating my mind, my life, and myself within this present time. I am pushing towards hard things that challenge me, without any expectation of a particular outcome.
This newfound permission feels good, feels right, and feels like home.
Within this space I will dwell.