A note I left for my counselor:
This morning I reclaimed my power back. My boss, after not talking to me for what felt like weeks, decided to make a very bold and hurtful statement after I said good morning to him this AM.
(Understand, that this is not the first time he has said something of this nature to me. In fact, this is typically the pattern of most of our conversations. How my lifestyle isn’t one of attraction. From what I eat, to how I train in pursuit of significant muscle gain, all the way to the way in which my weight fluctuations yearly.)
He told me that if I were to be getting ready for a bodybuilding competition, I must surely be behind and should not be consuming the coffee and whey protein mixture I was taking a drink of. He proceeded to say that I was not lean enough, and surely certain that I should change my diet quickly, and reconsider this show immediately.
In shock and rather caught off guard, I politely asked, “Excuse me? What competition are you talking about?” He continued to discuss his great dislike for the shows…
With a deep breath, I told him that I had stopped prep many weeks ago and choosing to bring my body back to a state of equilibrium. Lastly, I stated that what I choose to do with my free time is my own business.
Usually, in a typical Bernice fashion, I would have taken those words to heart. I would be embarrassed to the degree of this one comment effecting my entire day. Because I was not “small enough” for this one person, I felt the need to make myself small in other aspects of that day. I would quiet my voice, speak less, and shy away from conversation. This was followed by a somber and hurt attitude, and my movements the rest of the day would be slow moving, making sure that no one saw me. I made myself small in every other way to make up for the fact that my body wasn’t small enough for this one person.
But today I did not.
Today I refused to let his words have power over me.
I smiled, chuckled to myself and then began my next session with a client.
I restored my power by taking a drive to Main Street in Williamsville and went for a walk in Glen Park. It is a beautiful strip of land, off set way in the back of a busy street. Like a diamond in the rough, a majestic and free flowing waterfall is found within this sacred place, surrounded by quiet ponds, picturesque rock sculptures and the soothing humming of bees and birds. The perfect place to rest and reset my hurting soul.
I began with gratefulness and thanks.
I am grateful and thankful for this body in which I dwell. I am grateful for what it can do for myself and for others. I am thankful that despite the hell that I have put it through, it still does amazing things. I am grateful that I can overcome moments like this, that I can help others through this experience. I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that I have a role in the lives of others, and that I can choose to be positively encouraging within them. I am grateful for my counselor and for the open eyes she helps me see out of. I am thankful for these moments of understanding, where I can quiet my anger and hurt, and instead manifest them into positive energy. I am thankful that I can reclaim this power and encourage others to do the same.
Inspired by the beauty I was around and the movement of the waterfall, I did an unplanned bodyweight circuit in the grass with this capable body of mine. And after, all was well again. Life is good.
Unfortunately, I was not able to express to him fully that his words were hurtful to me. But, I believe that although I was not able to do that quiet yet, I was surely victorious in this one thing.
I was victorious in reclaiming my power.
And for that one thing, I am surely grateful.”