It has been quite some time since my last blog post…let me fill you in on what has been happening, where I currently am at, and where my vision is heading.
This is the beginning stages of something amazing, I can just feel it within my bones…
I am emerging from the slow and painful abyss of school, working multiple jobs, and wandering wondering what my life purpose was. Believe me when I say everyone experiences this state of being, and remember to be patient with those experiencing it while they endure. This process is not easy, in fact it was a painful one for me with great adversity and moments where my doubt was sometimes greater than my faith. But from this very place is where I found my voice, my passion and myself. Sounds cliche, I will be the fist to admit, but those words could not be truer.
I come from a place of being passive aggressive, not able to speak up when I am hurt or offended, and instead I hide my anger and frustration. I let it fester and then manifest itself through ways of either self torment (over exercise, over eating, binge-purging, food withdrawal, anxiety, etc). I never come back to the situation and work through it, I just let it build until my cup is too full to hold anything else…then BOOM. I explode and all the contents in which Ive suppressed oozes out like toothpaste and cannot quite exactly be put back in the bottle..so damage control begins and this vicious cycle is then repeated for all of eternity. This unattractive habit carried over into friendships, relationships, and even the relationship I had with myself. Enough was enough. It had to stop somewhere.
The WAY in which it happened isn`t the point. There was and still are moments where I revert back to my old ways. Reality at its most raw state, finding my voice was ugly. I went from having no voice, to completely blowing up on anyone that even remotely crossed a boundary with me. Depending on the setting and the source, it sometimes sounded like statements that may sound like a parent reprimanding a child…and other times it sounded like loud screeches with a lot of tears and unnecessary arm movement. Whatever way in which it came out, each time I became better at learning how to express myself in a more appropriate manor. I note on what was received well, how to get my point across in a way that made sense, and most importantly, when to back off and how to be intuitive to the facial and body expressions of the person in which I am setting boundaries with. Relearning how to relay what i need to other humans in an appropriate way is what it is. In the meantime, my relationship with myself has become significantly stronger…
The Current State.
At this very moment, I write from a Starbucks. I have no wifi access other than in settings like this. No office (yet), no set place in which I can dwell and create. A nomad so to speak. But it is beautiful and hopeful because new is coming. I am officially graduated and in pursuit of my NYS Massage License. I am interviewing to find my starting place in which to begin my practice, and I am ecstatic, to say the least. This feeling of anticipation is overwhelming at times, but it is this very moment that I have waited years for. So I often find myself whispering words of encouragement to myself, to “savor these moments..”. I am fairly young, 24 to be exact. I have so much life ahead and places and things to explore. What a feeling to feel! Not a single moment to waste…Ready? Set. Go.
My outlook is quite simple; grow. Expand, if you will, may be a better word to describe what I want to achieve these next few months. I cannot stomach the thought of being stuck within the same place or state of being for a long period of time. It means I lacked motivation to better myself. And THAT to me is wasted time.
Within these next few months, the vision lies within creating a massage business within an environment that promotes self-improvement in mind, body and self, to build a clientele of individuals that want to be educated about themselves, their body and their own health. Lastly, I will be working towards creating a life that I am excited about. Build my day where I spend a great deal of my time investing into the thing that I love to do (help others live well via massage or training) with the people that I love, and making sure to take time daily to work on bettering myself (whether that means going to the gym to train, going for a run, taking a rest day, eating well, etc).
Take the good with the bad, the happy and the sad, past and present, put aside what no longer serves you, and mold what bets fits your future vision.